Hey up, Howard. I was hoping I'd find you here.
Aye, tha can always catch me at the office at this hour.
Who'd have ever thought that I would turn out to be such a creature of regular habits?
Could I speak to you on a private matter? The sleeve, the sleeve.
This is pre-war material, old son.
I was wondering if you'd take a message to a...a certain party.
I am always pleased to do a favour for a friend,
but I wonder if you realise just how expensive this personal message service can be.
All right, how much?
Mmm, a quid should do it. A pound?! Cleggie used to do it for free!
Cleggy is an old softy, used to be an Ovaltiney,
wears a vest in summer.
He used to do it, but he won't do it any more.
All right, a pound.
Doesn't everyone wear a vest even in summer?
How long have you been going out with Marina? Well, since you mention it,
I arranged to meet Marina yesterday and I couldn't get away.
I wasn't able to turn up. Pearl closed all exits, eh?
I'd like you to explain to the young lady that it wasn't my fault.
Hey up, that's a helluva lot of explaining to do just for a quid.
He said he was sorry. He couldn't get away.
It's of no interest to me whether he's sorry or not. Give him a break.
How can you expect him to tunnel his way out in the time available?
I was out there in the hills, alone and vulnerable,
at the mercy of every passing stranger...
only there weren't any strangers passing.
I had time to think. I'm finished with men. Don't be rash, lass.
It was a turning point in my life.
He wasn't there. Oh, he'll be so disappointed. It was the last straw.
I'm fed up with being the plaything of the male gender.
It's better than knitting.
That's the last time I'm sitting out there, talking to three sheep.
Which reminds me, what am I going to tell Howard? Tell him it's over.
Tell him I've decided to remain a maiden. Can you do that after so many near misses?
Do you know what these are?
These are my Tom Cruise photographs.
Very good.
And do you know where they're going? They're going in there.
That's it - finished.
I'm only grateful that fate stopped me short of a fate worse than death.
Thrown her Tom Cruise photographs away? This could be serious.
It IS serious. She threw the bag in the bin.
I were there. And she's threatening to wear longer skirts!
Does she wear short skirts?
I thought she just had longer legs than most people.
What does Howard say? I haven't told him yet. I haven't seen him.
What brought this on? He couldn't get away. She's up in the hills, all alone, talking to three sheep.
Marginally better than talking to Howard. She'd get more sense anyway.
It's all right for you lot. I live next door to him. He'll be looking for a shoulder to lean on.
I'm no good at comforting husbands abandoned by their girlfriends.
It takes a lighter touch and a lot more knowledge.
I could do it! Tha could draw me in on a "constultative" basis.
You've no experience with females. Those things you went out with hardly qualified as feminine.
Marlena were feminine!
Only around the chest. The rest was pure plant hire.
Did you have a word with you know who? Break it to him gently. I hate to see suffering.
I will! Show a little compassion. Break what to me gently?
She's dumped thee, Howard. Romantically, tha's dead.
That WAS gently. You didn't have to sugar the pill as much as that!
Why am I dead? It's not just thee, Howard. She's finished with men.
Oh! Oh, she's said that before.
But has she ever thrown away all her Tom Cruise photographs before?
She's thrown away her Tom Cruise photos? In the bin. I were there.
That's really critical. I remind her of Tom Cruise.
See? His mind's gone already.
You'll be all right, Howard. Life without women has its compensations.
Such as what?! I were wondering about that.
Such as, uh... Tell him, Clegg.
Hmm? Oh, well, uh...
Nobody runs over your feet with a vacuum.
Tha calls that a compensation?!
Anyway, he's not without. He's still got a woman. He's married.
Go on, rub it in!
Calm yourself, Howard. You're like a raging bull...finch.
- Have you finished that window? - No!
And what's more, I might never finish another window!
Where do you think you're going? None of your business!
..What's got into him? We think he's worried about global warming.
The greenhouse effect.
The parazone layer.
You can't just throw everything away.
Think of all the mileage we've done together. I've only just reconditioned your bicycle.
I've been used, Howard.
Only that time when you had to help me straighten the wheel.
I've worn out two saddles and wasted the best years of my life, Howard, and men aren't worth it.
We are worth it! You're under your wife's thumb.
What rubbish. I'm brutal with her. Ask anybody.
I can't really believe that.
Why not? Why can't you believe it?
Cos you're still wearing your pinny.
You don't think he'll do anything rash?
He's done it. He answered back to Pearl. She'll kill him.
He'll probably never go home. He'll live in the woods, catch his own food.
Go on, look on the bright side.
Maybe he'll be all right. Maybe she's got a soft spot for him. A cushion she'll smother him with.
She shouts at him, but I think she loves him deep down, really. Rarely, according to Howard.
Gad, she was ugly.
That wasn't cosmetic. That was your major ugly.
I do really think even I couldn't go for that.
Auntie Wainwright's new ladies department?
I was right. I couldn't fancy that. Course, he could be lying.
Think of the relief when something like that finishes with you.
I'm glad I couldn't fancy that! It's Smiler!
Keep it down. Don't tell everybody. I'm trying to remain anonymous.
It's Ginger Rogers! It's more like Roy Rogers' horse.
Trigger. ..It is! It's Trigger.
I knew I'd bump into somebody who'd take the Michael.
I didn't think they'd come in threes. No. I'm getting used to him.
I think he's surprisingly delicious.
I wonder if she's spoken for. We must tell Howard. Howard's available now.
Thanks, love.
One tube of glue. Thank you.
Is that all you've got to say to me, after all these years?
Men! For a tube of glue, they think they're entitled to an aria from Madame Butterfly.
Pass along. There's a queue.
There's no queue! Instinct tells me there will shortly be a queue. Pass along, please.
Haven't you got holes in your wellies?
You don't get holes in your wellies, you get holes in your trousers.
I don't think it's compulsory.
NOW he tells me!
Huh! Now he says it's not compulsory.
Hey up, Howard! How's life with only one woman?
Some of us were made for more than one.
It's nature's way of sharing out the good things.
I'm sitting here, staring into a bleak future.
I'm glad you're taking it so well. I've narrowly rejected suicide
on the grounds that Pearl would be heartbroken.
Tha should have said. We could have cheered her up. Cleggy's only next door.
You should look after Pearl.
Compared to the former Mrs Truelove, you've a little gem there. Pearl?!
Never missed a meal, have you, Howard? Your shirt's always clean.
And the windows. Look who has them to clean. She's there when you're in pain. She's usually causing it.
She's made you a snug little nest there, Howard.
What about romance, excitement?
What does it amount to in your case, eh? Mainly tinkering with Marina's bicycle.
We have a shared love of the bicycle. Well, her wheel's just come off.
What do you want from life apart from a window cleaner?
A bloke has to have some romance in his life.
I'm with thee, Howard. But I'VE got Nora Batty.
Have there always been so many barmies or have they increased in recent years?
We've always had a fair share.
Do you think I'm too small for the Foreign Legion?
You're right. They ARE getting worse.
We'll have to get his love life back on track.
How?! How?! We'll think of something. I was Truly of the Yard.
Imagination is a great asset to a policeman, especially when he hasn't a clue.
The thing is to approach it logically,
in the approved police manner.
The question is why has she given up on Howard? Because he's a great dozy dollop.
He's always been a dollop. Why leave him now? Another good point.
See how it comes together with a logical approach? The answer is looming already.
She's left him because she thinks he's more of a dollop than usual.
What we have to do is restore Howard's image. Back to dollop square one.
Correct. How? We've got to let her see him in a more attractive light.
We must emphasise his macho attributes. You must FIND them first.
There must be something. I mean, how rough was he at school?
He come top in needlework. Maybe he fouled a lot.
If she thought he was attracting other women...
Howard?!
You never know with women. It's amazing what they go for.
Even I feel under threat in cake shops.
I'll have to teach thee some holds.
Excuse me, but what are we doing near Auntie Wainwright's?
Funny you should say that...
Ah-ah... Ow!
No! I want you to note that I'm going in under protest.
You'll be all right. I'll look after you.
I took an oath to protect all peaceful citizens.
I'd sooner wait outside. He would. He came second in needlework.
Oh, very well, then, wait outside.
It's locked!
You don't think I'm going to let people straight out?
How do you open it? Put something in the till and it opens like magic.
I knew it!
Let's get down to some bargaining. We're looking for Miss Smiler.
She's in the back. Says her high heels are killing her.
RINGS BELL What do you want her for? We want to see if she'll do from a distance.
Oh.
..Hoi! Come in, come in.
These gentlemen want to have a look at you.
What for? Beats me, but who are we to argue
if maybe they wish to hire you for advertising purposes?
If we try hard with some make-up...
No, she'll look just as horrible from a distance.
Look who's talking!
If we get the right angle, we might manage it.
Ask her if she'll unlock the door now.
Nobody's bought anything, let alone paid for this model's demonstration.
D'you think I can parade my fashion bunny on the catwalk for nothing?
What?! Nice little open vehicle you've got there, Wesley.
Aye, it belongs to the missus.
Keeping her in good order, are you? Not been easy. Same with the car.
It must be lonely living in a shed with just a few old jokes. I enjoy it.
Would she be available for hire, Wesley?
My missus? Very unlikely. The car, you twit.
I couldn't let you have the missus's car. She'd kill me. Need she know?
Wouldn't that be a lot like being sneaky? Yes.
You repair cars, Wesley. Truly here is repairing Howard's love life.
Cars are tricky enough for me!
You could be responsible for bringing two lonely hearts together again. In an open car?
Wouldn't it be safer with the lid on? We need it for a few minutes.
Marina has to see Howard in it driving an attractive blonde.
Some very tall, attractive blonde.
Some very tall, heavily disguised, AMAZINGLY ugly blonde.
If YOU think she's ugly, she must be. You've had some terrible-looking things.
The cream of his crop - the ones he dare be seen with in daylight.
I operate an open-door policy. I've never been biased against ugly.
We've noticed that.
There's mileage to be gained at that end of the market. Ho-ho!
I see. You've been sort of recycling the waste.
None of them ever had a waist. I had longer arms in them days.
Who'll be driving? Howard. Is he insured?
He lives with Pearl. He must be.
Be careful, Barry. I'm only going straight home.
Be careful anyway. It's only a few streets.
Do you ever feel like singing, Barry, telling everybody how glad you are you're married?
This is a hypothetical question? I don't have to start singing?
Don't you ever feel like shouting it over the rooftops?
Would it be practical, with people being double-glazed?
Ah, Brenda. Is your Barry going straight home?
My Barry can be relied on to go straight home. Tell him to go see your father at the shed.
I don't like this car too near your father. He'll fiddle with it. What for, Mother?
Because your father's got my car up there, and I want you to tell him to leave the gears where they are
cos he will keep shifting them about.
Where they used to be in gear, I just get this grating noise.
I was going straight home. Good lad, Barry. Go straight home...
but first of all, go to the shed and see her father. Good boy.
Call at the shed, Barry, THEN go straight home, love.
I never kissed him goodbye. He's only going straight home.
He's calling at the shed first! I can't think of the last time I kissed your father.
By the time I'd got the newspapers down, the impulse had usually gone.
He just walked off?!
He's worried about global warming. Barry says it's a hole in the ozone.
If you lived next door to what I live next door to, you'd see more holes than in the ozone.
The council should condemn trousers like that.
I think these microwaves send things funny.
You use a microwave?
Well, you have to. You want to keep abreast of modern catering.
I don't like standing in front of it.
Well, I feel the same about his trousers.
How do you switch it on? I always stand at the side and reach round.
That's wise. You never get too close to anything potentially dangerous.
I can't get close enough to my Barry!
Drink your coffee.
Mother! Once upon a time, you must have been close to my father.
I was and it took me over a week to get rid of the oil stains.
Hee-hee-hee! Here you go, Ace. This completes the picture.
Howard, you look like a film star.
A really weird, ageing film star.
Oh, stop taking the wee-wee.
He looks, uh...
I've done me best.
But why me as well?
Because it'll look better if Mr Cool here has two women in the car.
I'm going to be famous for having really foul females.
It's no treat for us girls.
It suits you, Barry. Now we know what to buy you for Christmas.
I hope I never meet anybody whose mortgage application I've had to refuse.
And I thought when I grew up, I'd be an engine driver.
Is there time to get them tattooed?
No. They'll pass from a distance.
Oh, tha were right to dump him, love.
Such a playboy with the women.
Howard?! Mr Dynamite with the ladies.
But we always used to say how unfair it were,
the way he twisted an innocent little thing like thee around his finger.
Are we talking about the same Howard? Thee tell me. Here he comes.
HORN PEEPS
The little swine! And to think we once exchanged bicycle pumps and swore eternal fidelity.
I told thee. Where was he going with those two hideous creatures?
Why don't we find out? CAR APPROACHES
Follow that car!
Off you go, Wesley.
It looks like we'll have to go that way, ladies.
What's wrong? I daren't go down. He'll take us too close to home.
They'll all be inside drinking coffee.
CAR BACKFIRES
BANG! That sounds like my car.
It LOOKS like your car.
Howard!
Barry?!
Who were those hideous women he was with?
She's not with me! She's with them!
Them?!
Those three in the back. Come on, I'll show you.
They were in the back. I promise you. They WERE in the back.
Wesley Pegden!
Wesley's touch on the clutch has all the grace and delicacy of the former Mrs Truelove.
I think it's worked. Marina's coming after me!
Why don't you buy her a present? There isn't time. Where can I find anything here?
How about her favourite Tom Cruise pictures?
That should do it, Howard. She'll love you for ever. Wow! That's a lot of bicycle miles, Howard.
How much? Got to be worth ten quid.
TEN pounds?! I wouldn't want her to find out she's not worth £10.
Howard. Marina!
I've got something for you.
And I've got something for you, you two-timing playboy!
That's it, then. We've got them back together.
I think that calls for a drink. Why not? Howard's buying.